Subdivided We Stand Meets Marathon Man

Out to Lunch

Bob says:

Subdivided We Stand and Marathon Man are currently plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, and having accomplished that, will return on Monday, February 5.

Dr. Jeff Finally Catches a Break

He may not realize it...but this may be the best thing that ever happened to Dr. Jeff.  Very few come away from Mare's force field of meddling unscathed.  Oh, sure, perhaps Dr. Jeff has lost a chunk of his mind, but it's better than continuing to have Mary eat away his soul piece by piece.

I love how the second panel has about a thousand visual pointers at Mary.  It's as if God is screaming "It's all your fault!"

A slight improvement in the music in the gym this morning.  They ratcheted up the XM dial from the "Music for Funeral Parlors" setting to "Slightly Spry Oldies For The Moderately Spry Elderly."  They must've made the change around 6 am, because The Carpenters "Close To You" was blaring on the speakers when I walked in at 10 'til.

Anyway, the music mashups that resulted from the faulty right-ear of my headphones were slightly more bearable this morning.  Today, I was treated to the following mixes -- one of which actually worked quite well, both thematically and musically:

Left ear: "Child of the Wild Blue Yonder," John Hiatt
Right ear: "School Days," Chuck Berry

Left ear: "Over and Over," Neil Young
Right ear:  "Positively 4th Street," Bob Dylan

Left ear:  "Splendid Isolation," Warren Zevon
Right ear:  "Travellin' Man," Ricky Nelson
(This is the one that worked surprisingly well, by the way)

Left ear:  "Hungry Heart," Bruce Springsteen
Right ear: "A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You," The Monkees

Hell's Workout Mix

One of the earpieces on my headphones recently gave out -- meaning that I'm hearing my music out of my left ear, and whatever horrific music the gym is playing in the morning out of the right.

Normally, the dead earpiece in my right ear is enough to block out the offending gym music (which, as I've discussed before, appears to be aimed at roughly the same demographic as your average Assisted Living Center.)  Unfortunately, however, there are a few machines that I use that are stationed directly beneath a speaker -- and that's when the confluence of my own music and the gym dreck becomes unbearable.

For example, this morning I heard the following combinations:

Left ear:  "Over the Hills and Far Away," Led Zeppelin
Right ear: "Please Mr. Please," Olivia Newton John

Left ear:  "Santa Monica," Everclear
Right ear: "Silhouette," Kenny G

Left ear:  "Signed, Sealed, Delivered," Stevie Wonder
Right ear:  "Tell It Like It Is," Aaron Neville

Left ear:  "Funky Ceili," Black 47
Right ear:  "That Piece of Crap Ballad Whose Name I Can't Recall By," Mike Reno and Linda Ronstadt

Speaking of the gym, I recently experienced yet another in a lifetime filled with George Costanza moments...

I've just fetched one of the giant workout balls from its resting place by the window, and am taking it over to do some crunches on it.  In transit, I hear this lovely little older woman asking a big beefy guy who's using a similar ball if she can have his when he's done.

This woman is a regular at the gym.  She's a sweet little woman, and she works out pretty hard considering that she has some sort of condition that makes her walk almost exactly like Tim Conway's little old man character from the Carol Burnett Show. 

Now the guy who she's asking about the ball has headphones on and can't hear her.  So, when she sees me approach, she asks me the same question.  I tell her that of course she can have it, but also that if she wanted one now I'd be happy to go over and get her another one from the wall.

No, she says, she'll be perfectly content with waiting. 

Ok, then.

Meanwhile, big beefy takes off his headphones to talk to someone, and the little lady asks him if she can have his ball when HE'S done.  Of course, he says, and then he makes the same offer that I did -- he'd be happy to go over to the wall and get her one now.

No thanks, she says.

"Are you sure?" asks beefy.

"Well -- ok!  YOU ARE AN ANGEL!"

She then proceeds to shuffle around the gym, telling everyone who'll listen what an angel the beefy guy is.

Dammit, that should've been me.  I want that credit for being an angel.  Seriously.

And They Called It Puppy Love

When we dropped Adam off this morning, he immediately ran to his little friend Sammie (Sammy?  Anyway, a female...), who grabbed his hands, looked deeply into his eyes, and then gave him a big hug.

The director then came over and told us that they're an item.

Which would explain why the boy has been asking us, non-stop, to have Sammie come over to play at our house.

Which would be fine, and we're going to do it -- but how do we tell Sammie's mother that Adam's main interest is having Sammie over so that he can "show her his bed?"

The kid's smooth, I'll give him that.

Wee Ones

Julie says:

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU...YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN:

OKAY, I WAS JUST JOKING WITH THAT ONE, HERE IS YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN:

BROTHER AND SISTER PEACEFULLY COEXISTING (at least for approximately 4 minutes).

I AM SO TIRED

(Bob says, parenthetically...)
As Julie was posting the post you're about to read, I was posting the post you'll find below THIS post -- the latest update from my pal Joe in Kuwait.  Consider today a twofer-Tuesday.  Unless you're reading it on Monday.  Or Wednesday.)

Julie sez...

The body is an amazing organism.  What makes it even more amazing to me is that it can function on a somewhat 'normal' level with what amounts to approximately 6 hours of sleep over the past 3 nights.  Don't get me wrong, I physically look as if I have only had 6 hours of sleep, but I was able to come into work today and perform my job responsibilities with the same level of care and diligence as I usually do. 

To prove my point, I have been able to complete most of my year-end Individual Performance Management ("IPM") worksheet with glowing self-reviews of my past performance, my current compentencies and any future career development aspirations I may want to pursue.  Got out the thesauraus and a list of the hot corporate buzz words and I was in business.  I am sure that the folks who read it will react like Ralphie's teacher, Miss Shields:  "The IPM I've been waiting for all my life. Listen to this sentence: "A Contracts Manager with a client-centered attitude and this thing which leverages paradigms". Poetry. Sheer poetry, Julie! An A+++++!"  Okay, well I totally made that last part up. 

But I digress.  What, you may ask, is keepng me from my beloved sleep?  I'll tell you.  It is a sick and very cranky 20 month old little girl.  We're not sure what exactly is wrong with her, but whatever it is better run its course and get the hell out of our house.  I'll spare you the details; for those that have kids you can just imagine it and for those that are considering kids, well, you're just going to have to learn the hard way. 

In some ways I wish Kate could just tell us what is wrong, that would certainly make things a bit easier.  Although with the kids you tend to get all kinds of strange and obviously incorrect answers e.g Adam told me this morning that his pee-pee hurt and when I asked why he said it was because he didn't eat breakfast.  Kate's lack of linguistic skills can be very trying, especially at 4 o'clock in the morning. 

• Does your tummy hurt?  -- Yeah.
• Does your head hurt? -- Yeah.
• Does your throat hurt? -- Yeah.
• Are you tired?  -- Yeah.
• Are you mad at the President for deciding to send more troops to Iraq? -- Yeah.
• Do you want to go to sleep?  -- Yeah.
• Me too.

Happy New Year from Kuwait

Bob Says:
Below is the first message of '07 from my friend Joe Matis, currently serving in Kuwait.  As a side note, I finally figured out a way to take the photos that Joe sends in his Word doc and make them look presentable on the Web.  When I get a chance, I'll go back and fix the pictures in his previous letters.

14 January 2007

Happy New Year from Kuwait! I can’t believe that it’s been almost a month since I’ve last written. Time has been flying by (no complaints here) and we are well into our planning for turnover with the next Det, who should arrive here in another month, and our redeployment (term that the military uses for going back; makes it sound like they are sending you somewhere other than home. Do they know something you don’t?! I prefer the term demobilization or “demob” for short, as it sounds more definitive.) Anyhow, dare I say that we’ve actually requested our flight date out of here? Without jinxing myself, let’s just say I should be home in time for March Madness (yes!) if everything holds at this point!

It is with significant pang of guilt that I’m beginning to allow myself to feel the elation of getting back home, with the President’s recent announcement that some 20,000+ “additional” troops will be heading in country. Funny thing about that term is that it makes it sound like there is an extra pool of troops just sitting around waiting for such a mission, when in reality the way they are going to meet those numbers is to 1) extend tours of personnel already in country, and 2) accelerate the deployment timeframes for units who are in the queue preparing to deploy in the future. In addition, DoD is also faced with changing it’s policy for the Reserves and National Guard to allow more frequent mobilizations with less down time in between. I’m sorry, but that all just sucks. So I’m definitely not taking for granted the ability to go home at this point.

Anyhow, lots of interesting things have happened since my last update, and once again, my Det has put together a stellar newsletter (click here to view) that well documents those happenings. But for those of you who would prefer the “Cliff Notes” version, here it goes to the best of my memory (wow, the past month seems far away at this point:)

We had another nice holiday celebration for Christmas when our South Team came up for Christmas Eve and we held a gift exchange, had dinner together, and then attended church services. Christmas day provided a chance to sleep in, hang out with the guys here, and relax. New Year’s Eve/Day was less exciting (especially not being able to veg out in front of numerous bowl games; the time difference here is killing my sports spectating.) There was a midnight 5K run on New Year’s Eve which sounded like a great idea initially, but became worse every minute that it got closer to midnight w/ freezing temperatures outside. In early January, we went on another MWR (morale, welfare, and recreation) trip into Kuwait, this time to another shopping mall (less upscale than the first we visited, but still very western) and the Scientific Center that including an aquarium and IMAX theater. And about a week ago, the team here got to do some training in simulators (there’s a whole “training village” on camp with lots of combat simulators and training aids for the troops flowing through here on their way north) as we ran through “Shoot-No Shoot” and Combat Lifesaver simulator/training.

Guess I’ll talk a bit about both these simulators as the training they provide is very realistic and no doubt saves lives. It’s really great to know that the troops going north are getting the kind of training that realistically simulates life or death situations that they could face, and gives them a chance to practice their procedures and tactics in a training environment where mistakes can be made and learned from without the real world consequences.

The “Shoot-No Shoot” trainer simulates real life combat scenarios where troops must make split second decisions on if/when and who to shoot. The trainer consists of large video screens which project scenarios in real time (with live actors, like watching a movie) and actual weapons that have been modified to work with the system and produce the same actions/reactions, i.e. loading, recoil, etc. that they would have if you fired live rounds. All shots fired are registered on the screen and can be shown during playback of the scenario, telling you how many shots you fired, what you hit, and when. The trainer can accommodate anywhere from a single person up to a squad (13 persons) at a time and any weapon in the current TOA (table of allowance, good military term, i.e. what a unit is assigned.) We did the trainer with a 4-man (yes, the military is not that PC yet, it’s still 4-man, not “4-person”) fire team, which is the basis for all small unit tactics.

A scenario in the trainer goes something like this: You are manning a checkpoint. A vehicle pulls up and a (Iraqi) policeman goes over to check personnel inside. There is some kind of problem because he and the people inside start yelling at each other. They are all yelling in Arabic and gesturing, and even if you have an interpreter, you don’t know everything that’s being said. They are dressed in the Arab fashion. The policeman starts motioning them out of the vehicle and to the side where he is trying to get them secured. They are still yelling and gesturing frantically. In a split second, one or more of the guys pulls out AK-47s from under their robes and starts shooting.

So what do you do? Hopefully take them out when they display the first sign of hostile intent, i.e. when you see the weapons. But that’s not as easy as it sounds. You have to react in a split second, take out the right guy without hurting any of the nearby innocents, troops, police, etc. around them. And what if they were pulling something else out of their robes like a piece of paper or who knows what else and you fired on them before you could confirm what is was? That’s where the “no shoot” part comes in. It’s not like the movies where you open up and blaze away at anything that moves. There are literally dozens of things to analyze in a few seconds and then act in the blink of an eye. The great thing about the trainer is that you can play back the scenario in slow motion or stop it and see your and their actions in detail. I can vouch for the fact that things seem quite clear when you have time to analyze the situation in slow motion, like you can see an initial glimpse of the muzzle of that AK-47 from under one of the guys robes. But in real time, it’s just a blur of confusion. The good part is that through repeating this type of training, your actions begin to become more fluid and instinctive.

The Combat Lifesaver simulator was equally, if not more, impressive. The most critical part of combat wound treatment occurs in the first 5 to 10 minutes. Proper treatment at during this period could mean the difference between life and death when you won’t be able to get someone medevaced yet, and given the situation, you may not be able to get a medic/corpsman to them (or vice versa) for treatment. It could come down to your battle buddy saving your life. Therefore it’s important that every troop know the proper life saving techniques in order to save lives.

The training consisted of lectures on combat life-saving techniques and hands-on practice on a number of “mannequin” simulators. The simulators that were at the core of the training were kind of like those Rescusci-Annies(?) on steroids. They were full size mannequins that had all sorts of simulated combat trauma injuries; they were hooked up to computers and could “breathe,” “bleed,” had “vitals,” etc. just like a real person. It was kind of creepy at first when we walked in to the room and saw them on the ground with all sorts of nasty wounds and soaked in red fluid, and became a bit more so when the instructor made them “breathe.” But I quickly got over it when I realized the incredible opportunity that the training provided.

Combat lifesaving techniques could be practiced and results seen in real time. Basically, you could see if your techniques were working or not and if your actions ultimately saved the person. In a several hour session, we learned how to stop hemorrhaging from any part of the body, how to establish a good airway and breathing, including performing an tracheotomy, if necessary, and how to relieve a tension pneumothorax (I’ll leave it up to those interested to research, but I’ll just say that it’s a condition that is a high contributor to combat deaths and it can be treated with a large needle that has a valve on the end. If anyone remembers the movie “Three Kings” w/ Ice Cube, George Clooney, and Markie Mark Wahlberg, you know what I’m talking about. And irony of the day: these needles/valves that cost about $5-10 are not part of the standard first aid kit issued to all troops.) The training was great. The instructor was a retired Special Forces medic, who told us that “every one of the injuries you see simulated here, I’ve treated in real life.”

That’s about all for now. Hopefully, my next update will be written when I’m so short, I can’t even reach the keyboard!

Take care. Thanks for all your support.

Love, Joe

Shoot – No Shoot Training (I’m on left in both photos)

You Say You Want a Resolution

Joe sez:

That's right.  Joe sez.  I sez it's been a long while, dreadfully sorry for the long absence, and um...maybe nobody knew I was absent anyway?  Bob keeps things up rather nicely, doesn't he?  So much so that I'm hardly necessary to the enterprise.  But as long as he has me up on the masthead, and if you forgive my long-delayed postings, I promise to be a more frequent contributor. I resolve.

Let's see.  Last year around this time I resolved to accomplish a few other things, successfully accomplishing a couple of them, including running a marathon. That was a biggie for me, especially from someone like me who has never been big on actually following up on resolutions.

I've got my sights set now on another major new resolution this year...and it's a biggie.

Ever since that marathon I've pretty much stayed away from all kinds of potential exercise.  I'm not sure that I've even walked briskly since then.  And I've been a bit of a glutton when it comes to maintaining a diet. 

So it hit me.  I need to take better care of myself, health-wise.  And I should start by eating better. 

The epiphany came to me around the New Year after several evenings of parties.  A new resolution for the New Year.  Here it is:

I'm planning to eat more fruit.

Specifically...

I'm going to eat more fruit that is dipped in chocolate sauce.

Accompanied by Champagne or other sparkling wines.

Rebecca made a truly lovely hot fudge sauce over the holidays.  When it's in a cold state it hardens up like fudge.  But when you apply heat it softens to a creamy chocolate sauce.  Delicious.  It's perfectly fine on ice cream or cake.  But it's astounding on select pieces of cut up fruit.  Dipped hot: splendid.  Allowed to chill in the fridge after dipping: crunchy, chocolaty, rich, and superb.

Looking at it one way the fruit is a vehicle for delivering the chocolate sauce to me.  But, looking at it the other way, the health conscious way, the chocolate sauce is a slick, tasty, fulfilling vehicle for delivering the fruit.

Anyway you look at it...I'm going to eat more fruit this year.

Here are some examples of the kinds of fruit I will be eating more of this year based on preliminary taste tests involving chocolate sauce:

Strawberries, bananas.

Some other types of fruit that I think might work well with chocolate sauce and I will be eating more of this year, and curiously work as both singular and plural nouns:

Mango, papaya.

Here's one type of fruit that I will be less likely to enjoy with chocolate sauce based on a recent, controlled taste test conducted in my kitchen:

Limes.

Here's a fruit that I doubt that I will consider eating with or without chocolate (and yet works as both a singular and plural noun):

Persimmon.

As for the beverage to accompany my fruit, I have decided that I really enjoy Champagne and other kinds of sparkling wines like Cava from Spain and Prosecco from Italy.  From the POP of the cork, to the BUBBLES in the long flute, to the CLINK of the glassware, I've decided that drinking sparkling wines, especially Champagne, is significantly more fun than drinking any old wine.  It's simply more pleasing.  And more expensive.

And it goes great with fruit.  Dipped in chocolate sauce.

So.  Therefore.  Let it be resolved.  That I, Joe Kelly, will hereby eat more fruit in the Year 2007.

God, I hope I have the power to see THIS goal through.

For Worse...Definitely For Worse

Since I have nothing else today (other than the very short tale of how much Adam now enjoys punching me in the 'nads, of which there's not much more to say other than that Adam now enjoys the reaction he gets everytime he punches me in the nads), allow me to provide a link to someone else's content that some of you may find interesting.

I've been reading the comic strip "For Better or For Worse" since it's beginnings.  For the most part, I've always liked it.  A little preachy at times, and predictable at others, but still, count me as a fan.  I think that makes me something of a minority over at The Curmudgeon, where the Patterson clan takes quite a beating.

But about two years ago, something about it really started to bug me.  I've never quite been able to put my finger on just what it is that's bothering me.  Thankfully, now I don't have to -- this person has summed up what's wrong with For Better or For Worse far better than I ever could.  Enjoy.

A Laurel...and Hardy Handshake

Bob says:

Let's compare my weekend to that of resident vulgarian Joe Hardy, shall we?

JH:  Had "Happy Birthday" sung to him by Christina Aguilera.
BB:  Heard Christina Aguilera sing some asinine song over a low-fidelity fitness club speaker system, while in the locker room surrounded by the waggly scrotums of at least a dozen 80+-year-old men.

JH:  Had a personal audience with Robin Williams, who mimed nipple-erectness (as seen below):

BB:  Watched with horror as 20-month-old daughter became increasingly fascinated with her own nipples.

JH:  Had the cast of "A Chorus Line" over to sing "One."
BB:  Numerous viewings of "The Count" from Sesame Street counting to -- and even beyond -- the number one.

JH:  Was presented with the gift of a baby hyena.
BB:  Talked to an old man in the gym about his hernia.

All in all, and in spite of the fact that our weekend was marred by sinus infections for mom and dad, and all-around crankiness for the kids, I think I preferred my weekend to Joe's. 

Completely unrelated update:

Westmoreland county residents -- go inside!  Lock your doors!